Bright & Quirky Child Summit

Help bright kids thrive, even with learning, social and/or emotional challenges

Session 1: Use the 4 S's to Show Up in the Way Your Child's Needs

Tina Payne Bryson, PhD

In the toughest moments with your child or teen, do you ever wish you had the perfect thing to say or way to respond? Learn from Dr. Tina Payne Bryson about the 4 S's and how to be the parent your child needs, informed by the science of attachment, regulation, and relationship. You will hear about simple but powerful ways to help your child co-regulate instead of co-escalate and how to become a safe harbor for your child. Dr. Tina describes ways to respond that match a child's experience which can regulate their nervous system and get them (and you) back to calm. Dr. Tina reminds us that it's never too late to help our child move from the threat circuitry of their brain to totally different neural networks by creating positive emotional experiences you can start doing today!

[accessally_missing_all_tag tag_id='1303794,662974' comment='Summit_2020_Has_Access,IdeaLab_Has_Access']


[accessally_has_any_tag tag_id='1303794,662974' comment='Summit_2020_Has_Access,IdeaLab_Has_Access']


[accessally_has_any_tag tag_id='662974,1303794' comment='IdeaLab_Has_Access,Summit_2020_Has_Access']



Now we'd love to hear from you. What's bubbling up for you after hearing the talk? Let us know in the comments section below.

[accessally_missing_all_tag tag_id='1303794,662974' comment='Summit_2020_Has_Access,IdeaLab_Has_Access']

Would you like downloadable audio, video and transcripts for this talk? Upgrade to the summit access pass to get 24/7 permanent access to all 22 talks, over 10 hours of streaming content, downloadable audio and video to watch on the go, and printable transcripts. Also get 4 amazing bonus talks and a very special invitation to join the renowned IdeaLab parent learning and support community.



(If you are a Summit 2020 Access Pass holder or Idealab member, sign in here for access to downloads, transcripts, and bonus talks)



  1. Mary T Austin on March 19, 2020 at 9:50 am

    This was extremely helpful! I took notes and it was great to acknowledge the processes that I use instinctively to make my child feel safe, soothed and secure, but it was also helpful to see how I can improve on helping them be seen. The time constraint of a single parent with twice exceptional children is often a struggle when both are seeking to be seen and heard. Thank you for offering this. I wish, with all of the sudden change in family schedules that this free offer was available next week when things start to settle into the new normal.

  2. Cecilia Cicchelli on March 17, 2020 at 5:10 pm

    I really enjoyed the webinar, reassurance its extremely important for children. that feeling that someone understand their feeling, and will help them to cope must be very helpful to keep that behavior under control somehow. The feeling to feel safe, and understood. If only all educators could be equipped with those amazing skills.
    Amazing context !

  3. Kate Bailey on March 17, 2020 at 8:47 am

    Being below the child’s eye level is super effective.
    Thank you for this wonderful talk

  4. Iris on March 17, 2020 at 12:20 am

    I loved hearing your talk, simplifying complex situations and getting us back to the basics is soothing. Could you please give us the name of the research/book you mentioned about the screens? This is a big issue with both my boys… I also feel that now that we’re all needing to deal with social isolation (Covid-19), I have a harder time getting my own batteries full. It is also a lot harder to enforce our normal screen time limits, especially with my little one when his high school brother gets to be on screen for remote learning – and how do you count that towards screen time limits with the big boy anyway? The intensity of homeschooling 24/7 seems to necessitate more screen breaks than in normal situations, but with no end in sight I am afraid of losing this front after the crisis is finally over.

  5. Gloria Gallardo-Walker on March 16, 2020 at 8:47 pm

    Thanks so much Tina. I loved the strategies to help us calm instead of react. All useful based on showing up first and foremost to then see, soothe and help our children feel secure. Fabulous!

  6. Jenny on March 16, 2020 at 5:16 pm

    Amanda, this happens with my 11 year old son, also with high functioning ASD and ADHD. I mentioned something about this in a previous interview. Dr. Mona Delhooke said i might be using to “high” language for him. She said to get her book beyond behaviors to understand what “high language” means. Maybe someone from the B &Q team or Dr. Tina Payne Bryson can give us some more information about why some children seem triggered when you acknowledge their feelings? (I haven’t had a chance to read beyond behaviors yet but I definitely will!)

    • Amanda on March 17, 2020 at 5:56 am

      Jenny, I have read Beyond Behaviors. It is wonderful! I highly recommend it. I will go look for that and reference it. Thank you!

  7. Andrea on March 16, 2020 at 3:49 pm

    Great lecture w so many pearls— safe seen soothed secure

  8. Amanda on March 16, 2020 at 9:40 am

    I like what you are saying about acknowledging the child’s feelings and connecting to redirect. It sounds great, but it doesn’t work for me. If I acknowledge my son’s feelings, it seems to trigger him and he gets even more upset. I don’t know why. He has high functioning asd and adhd. He is 5, almost 6.

    • BriAnne on March 16, 2020 at 4:06 pm

      Amanda, my kid is about the same as yours. I find she needs to reach a certain level of calm and regulated before she is open to hearing me identify her feelings.

    • Mi on March 16, 2020 at 5:12 pm

      Some kids cannot stand the validation of their emotions. They just need your silent presence, to know they are not alone. Naomi Aldort talks about this on her book.

      • Amanda on March 17, 2020 at 5:58 am

        Thanks. I will look for that book!

    • Catherine on March 16, 2020 at 5:39 pm

      I’m not sure whether this is the case for you, but I used to acknowledge my son’s feelings by saying “I know that you’re…” or “I can see that you’re…” and this used to REALLY annoy him – I think that he was thinking “you don’t know what I’m feeling” or “that’s not how I’m feeling” and it would trigger him even more. I started being more broad with my comments – if I had seen what was happening I might say something like “whoa, your brother really annoyed you” or if I didn’t know what was going on I’d say something like “rough day?” I also made sure that I had connected with him first, and made sure that he had a snack, etc. Usually when i use these techniques, especially if I had the right reason for him being annoyed, he starts talking (well, often starting with yelling!) and eventually calms down. I really like the idea of getting lower than the child to help calm them down even more.

    • Janine on March 16, 2020 at 6:49 pm

      My daughter doesn’t have ASD or ADHD, but she has some emotional issues. She is now 14, which will be different from 5. However, I sometimes experience that what I said (by acknowledging him) can trigger her. She complains about my tone of voice since I have a forceful personality. Sometimes she also wants to be left alone and doesn’t like to be hugged. I’m not sure if it helps, but I just want to throw it there for you.

    • Kate on March 17, 2020 at 8:37 am

      I have learned that we can show empathy not only with words – words may limit us and do we really know what our child is feeling? Sometimes we connect more effectively by just being present ‘being there/showing up’ and not necessarily saying anything. By using “Affect” – emotional expression conveyed by our body posture, facial expression, eye gaze that is attuned to our child’s emotional state. This may convey our authentic empathy and love without our need to label and solve. Its worth a try.

Leave a Comment